Yo! Sirius here.
This is it. I am actually publishing this for everyone to see. My first (official) original story.
I had always expressed, not only here on my blog, but also on my social media, how much I love to read/watch/exposed stories. They make my imagination go wild. It encourages me to make my own.
However, I am not confident. I have low self-esteem. I never dared to write or put my ideas into anything concrete, because there is always a voice in my head that would discourage me.
But I am long past that. I won’t say I am more confident now, I still have my issues, but I am trying to be more open and just live with the moment.
This original story I made, is technically not my first. I wrote a lot of stuff during my depressed days, however, the external hard drive where I put all of my stuff….died.
I tried to replicate the stories I made, but I just couldn’t bring out the same intensity so I abandoned writing.
Now, because of quarantine, I had been staying at home for more than almost 5 months now. Other than my mental issues, the pandemic helped me realize the importance of living, that I shouldn’t waste time. It also helped me reignite my love for stories, as I had been exposed to a lot of movies/tv-series/books recently.
So now, while I am still high from my thoughts, I will be posting this original story of mine.
OUT OF LOVE
I never liked it, I think we all don’t want to go through with it.
And yet, I am in this predicament.
Facing each other, at the cafe where we first met.
Other than the initial greetings and coffee orders, silence enveloped both of us. Neither one of us dared to talk.
I don’t blame her, I know how hard this was to me as it is to her.
My eyes drifted, from the counter, the people walking in and out of the cafe, to the wooden table.
It was hard to look at her. I would crumble.
I don’t know what/when/how it actually started, us, drifting apart.
Sipping my latte, I let the silence drown me, lost in my own dark thoughts.
Who’s fault was all of this? Was it mine? Hers? Or no one’s? Is that even possible?
Was it when she got promoted? And became too busy? It was very important to her. Her hard work was starting to pay off. It was really hard on us, at first, but we were able to compromise and adjust our time together.
Was it when she saw me talking to my ex? We did have a fight about it. I didn’t expect her to be very jealous. She wasn’t like that before. After all, it was our highschool reunion, and we were just having a good time. It took awhile, but I was able to calm her down and make her understand that there’s nothing to worry about.
Or was it when–
Softly, she whispered my name. I missed that.
I looked up to her. “Yes?”
“It’s good to see you.”
“You too. You look good.”
There was an awkward silence again.
Small talks were never my forte. I sucked at it.
She knows that too.
We stared at each other, long enough before I looked down. I drank a bit of my latte again, trying to ease whatever emotion I was feeling. As much as I know the direction of our conversation, the coward in me doesn’t want to face it yet.
It was getting harder to breathe.
I cleared my throat, “It’s been awhile since we visited this place.”
We looked around the place.
The wooden tables were still the same, but the chairs were a lot comfortable now. New paintings were displayed on the walls and the place was a lot more spacious now, even though there’s a lot of people in the cafe.
“Yeah, this place has become quite famous for their drinks, especially when they incorporated the milk teas.”
“Understandable. Teens these days can’t seem to live without consuming bobas.”
She chuckled on my comment. It was light.
Our conversation continued. It was comforting, the familiarity.
I missed this.
The awkwardness was starting to disappear.
Until it stopped.
She looked at me. Her small smile then changed to an expression I can’t decipher.
Even after many years of knowing her, there are still some things I don’t know about her. In these moments I cursed myself.
Did I not make more effort?
Maybe, this is the reason why.
She starts off again. This time, with sadness.
She’s clearly holding back.
The words that would break us all apart.
“I know.” I looked down.
I tried to gather my thoughts, my courage, my strength. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.
She let go of her drink and reached out to touch my hands like she always does. Her thumbs caressing my hands. It was calming and encouraging.
“What happened to us?”, I asked.
She closed her eyes and sighed.
The air around us was heavy.
“I will not force you to stay,” I continued, fully holding her hands. This made her look up to me, “but I…I want..at least to know what happened. Between us.”
I was trying. Trying to be strong, for the both of us.
Because maybe, just maybe, I could still fix this.
“It’s..”, her voice trembled. She closed her eyes, maybe trying to hold her emotions, her tears.
Then she looked straight to my eyes, “It’s not working anymore.”
Aahh, I knew this was coming, but it’s still painful.
I stayed silent, encouraging her to continue.
“These past 2 years was amazing, Alex. I felt loved, protected, cared for. You are the best lover anyone could ask for.” She smiled lovingly.
“You are too, you know.” I said. “You are the best girlfriend I could ask for.”
She shakes her head.
“When we first met, I was bitchy to you, borderline bully you, even. And yet, you still befriended me. We became friends, then now, lovers.” She paused, like she’s thinking the right words to say to me.”But you’re too kind, Al, even for your own good. You always put others first over your own. My own interests over your own.”
She sighed, “It was…hard.”
I was confused. “What do you mean?”
She looked again straight to my eyes, “Loving you was easy, Alex, but being with you is hard.”
I was shocked. She loves me, but I’m hard to be with? So this is my fault?
The break up is my fault.
“I know you are not doing this on purpose to hurt me, it’s more my own insecurities. It was just..” She paused again.
I tried to speak out, maybe explain, maybe express that I will change. For her. For our relationship.
But no voice was coming out of my mouth.
“Alex,” she caught my attention again, “being with you made me feel I was not enough.”
“But you are enough. Enough for me.” I interjected.
“Maybe to you, but not to me.” She holds my hands tighter. “You are a good person. So pure. Always seeing the bright side in this dark world. You are also smart,easy to talk to, loved and respected by people.” I can now feel my tears flowing from my eyes.
“I’m not perfect you know.”
“I know, Al. I know. That’s why I tried. Everyday, I tried. To be enough, to be worthy of someone like you. But like I said, my insecurities got the best of me.” she smiled bitterly.
“It was becoming painful, staying in this relationship. I loved you, but I was also starting to hate you. And I hate myself for feeling this way.”
This is the first time I heard about any of this? I didn’t know she was feeling this way all this time.
“That’s why I distance myself a bit from you. Maybe, if I give myself some Me time, everything would go back to what we were before. I would eventually go back to you.” Tears fall from her eyes.
“But you didn’t.” I muttered. ”You didn’t come back to me.”
“I tried, Al. I tried bringing..reviving, but”
“You don’t love me anymore”, I cut her off.
She looked down, slowly retreating her hands from mine. “I’m sorry.”
The pain was unbearable.
She was still in my heart, but I’m not in hers anymore.
“It’s okay.” my voice cracked, “I understand.”
I shut my eyes, trying to stop my tears from falling.
The break up is inevitable.
I couldn’t fix it.
I wiped my tears and looked at her, “This is the end, huh.”
“I’m still here for you, you know. We may not be together anymore but I still care. I want you to know that.”
I nodded. “I know.”
Minutes passed, letting reality sink in.
This really was the end.
“Thank you for everything.” She said sincerely. “I was happy. We were happy, Alex. These past years, knowing you, being with you, were one of the best years of my life. Please don’t forget that.”
“I won’t.” I smiled sadly.
She stood up from her side and walked up to my side. She sat beside me and hugged me. I reciprocated, tightly, knowing it will be the last time.
She pulled away and kissed my cheek, “Goodbye, Alex.”
I was now alone.
I’m not really a fan of big crowds, not a fan of attention. The cafe was getting packed all of the sudden, but I couldn’t worry about any of that.
I let everything all out.
Aah, break up.
What do you think?
Feel free to give your feedback & critiques down below in the comments sections. I want to know your thoughts about it and maybe improve whatever I need to improve. Heh.
Just, like don’t expect much from me. I’m not really that good.
Okay, this post is really long now, I will end it here.
This has been Will Sirius and thanks for reading.